I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Randomize
