hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
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