I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
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