I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it