I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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