I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
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