rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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