Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
