Three words: puerto rican gang bang
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
