My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
