mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
No subtext here. People are naked.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
