if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
