There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Randomize
