I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I am mentally ready for anal.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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