the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Randomize
