Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Randomize
