I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
