dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
