Who wears a wallet chain?!
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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