I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
two words: eviction party
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
