between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
