hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Randomize
