cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
