a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
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