There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
