I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
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