dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
