at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
