I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
