I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.