I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.