Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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