3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
