I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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