you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
