do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
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