I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
