Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
