he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize