There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
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