Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
