I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
