It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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