I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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