were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
