I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
