just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
