my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
