im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
