he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
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