I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
