so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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