i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
