plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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