i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
