this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
3 2 1 whiskey
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Randomize
