from now on my penis is your penis
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
